he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
