in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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