My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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