You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize