I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
