Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize