There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I think people are normalizing furries
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
