dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
