i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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