I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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