so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
