I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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