So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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