You're my little dorito
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
