I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
