Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
