I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
