I just saw a hot homeless man
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
