she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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