Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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