I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
