I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
