don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
