Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
