We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
