I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize