Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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