I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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