The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
