I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
3 2 1 whiskey
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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