The best revenge is premature balding
My vagina just recognized that song.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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