so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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