my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize