He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
