As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
