like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
