mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
