He kissed a someone with a penis
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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