I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
