I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize