I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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