I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
