Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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