It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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