I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
