We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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