It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
