Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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