dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize