I don't usually arrange sex via text message
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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