She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
