I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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