My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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