just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
