i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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