i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize