Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
