i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
