and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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