You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize