You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Umm I'm too high to move.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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