I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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