My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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