You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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