Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to have your abortion
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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