fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize