he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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